My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁