Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Now, where’s the sport in that?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!