dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
three things we don’t talk about