1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I’m giving up for Lent.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?