[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
You Might Also Like
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that