Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Friday night party time 🥳
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit