aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
You Might Also Like
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Teach your children to beatbox
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.