I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
💯😂
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
The Compass
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.