When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.