Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it