I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I hope Alan is OK
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.