A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
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If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
WTF IS THAT!
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer