Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You Might Also Like
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Bruh PLEASE
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.