“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
They’re really bad with fonts.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.