Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…