them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Xylophonist Shredding It
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.