It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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My brain is a bad influence on me
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
#titanic
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.