Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
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Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.