This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁