My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Discuss
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
we’re dead?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*