the council will decide your fate
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Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Tough love is true love
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.