I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
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Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.