LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
You Might Also Like
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
good morning
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
still the best tweet of the year by far
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Worth remembering.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.