I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.