Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK