Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
This cat wants you to take your pills
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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