lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
first you must answer his riddles
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.