Sharon I have some bad news
You Might Also Like
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
bias laundering edition
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever