Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
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is this store having a stroke wtf
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
looks legit
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.