Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!