The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.