You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Okey dokey.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.