I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I’m not average. I’m mean.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
stand with me against insufficient seating
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
asked my bf how work was today