SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Ghost costume 😂
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.