My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
“and how does that make you feel?”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed