What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
You Might Also Like
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
A classic…
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
The Others (2001)
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.