I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
You Might Also Like
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water