I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!