“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁