Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
the composer
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*