Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.