That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too