You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?