Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
it is time once again
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
How do horror writers compete with current events?