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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.