8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
is it earth
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”