Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
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I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.