CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
normalize having existential bread
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.