Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.