I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am